#SmallTales: Hungover

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@LiterallyGeeked is running a weekly flash fiction competition on Twitter called #SmallTales. Submissions of 100 words, or artwork, on a given theme.

This week, #SmallTales is on the brief of ‘hungover’.

Below is my entry:

Daylight invades. Clothes and other debris adorn the floor. The bed holds our remains. Last night flexes in our veins. It pounds in our heads and dries up our mouths. We are booze-wounded. Less than our best.

My formerly drunk girl stirs, drapes her limbs over me. I re-fit my body to hers. She is beautiful in her self-inflicted suffering. Wine-soaked and fragile. Gorgeous.

Shards of light offend her closed eyes. She shrinks into me, groaning against my back. The duvet is pulled overhead. A cocoon in which to heal. We sleep.

#SmallTales: Christmas.

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@LiterallyGeeked is running a weekly flash fiction competition on Twitter called #SmallTales. Submissions of 100 words, or artwork, on a given theme.

This week, the first #SmallTales is on the brief of ‘Christmas’.

Below is my entry:

The Pantomime.

The voyeurs settle onto splintered chairs bearing teeth marks from the last show. Glitter and gunpowder hang in the air. So thick, you can choke on it.

Darkness falls. The piano is abused. More glitter. Smoke. Sparks fly. The crowd begins to howl.

An almighty fanfare. The Dame swaggers, stiletto-ed, onstage. Catcalls ricochet off the walls. She tosses his wig of matted candyfloss. The punters are treated to a leer, her yellow teeth bared, a bulge in his spandex skirt. The crowd salivates, enticed by this sequinned ringleader.

A war cry issues from his painted lips. Let the pantomime commence.

Neurotica: Five Things I’ll Never Understand About Sexual Shaming.

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At R’s place drinking tea, flicking through the straight-lady magazines of my misspent adolescence. I came across an article which heartily enraged me – and R. A flippant piece at the end of Glamour Magazine (the Glamour List) entitled ’18 Things We’ll Never Understand About Sex’.

Viv Groskop has cobbled together a series of quips which assume the (depressingly sexually short-sighted) norm and paints a range of healthy sexual expression as outlandish. This article is offensive across the straight/gay/male/female board.

In [dubious] honour of this passive aggressive shaming of sexual exploration I’ve picked my five favourite points from the article:

2. How nipple clamps even got invented, let alone sold and marketed. “So I’ve had this idea. Its a bit like a clothes peg…”

Sex toys – all sex toys – are created for one common reason; pleasure. Nipples are sensitive, receptive to pleasure and pain. Some people only like gentle touching or licking, others don’t see the point in anything other than a good, hard bite. Each to their own. We all fall somewhere in the spectrum – men and women. Nipple clamps keep your hands free so you’re not constantly pinching the lucky person wearing them. You can put those digits to a range of other uses. And yes, I said lucky. The person wearing nipple clamps wants to feel that sensation. If it gets them off, let them feel the pain. Don’t tell your readers a specific piece of kit should never have been created.

It has probably taken someone long enough to come to terms with exactly what pushes their buttons (however sweet or filthy they perceive it) let alone requesting it from a partner. Reading this casual remark in a widely distributed magazine is harmful. No human is sexually incorrect. We’re all just finding our place in the spectrum. Find it, know it and tell whomever you please “this is me, this is what I like, will you share this with me?” Never ever feel ashamed for anything that turns you on. Never listen to anyone or anything who tries to replace that pleasure with guilt.

10. How anyone broaches the subject of doing something ‘a bit different’ without their partner threatening to break up with them or call the police.

Suggesting something in bed works. And saying “no, that’s not for me” also works. I’ve suggested/had suggested to me a delightful range of kinks and quirks. Some things I’ve been thrilled to explore, others intrigued to try. Some things just weren’t my idea of a good time. I said so. You know what? The relationship continued. You would be surprised what an open dialogue about sex will do for the sex you have.

Talking about sex is hot. Talking about sex is the very essence of good sex. Talk about what you’ve done before, what you’d like to do – you never know, your current squeeze might be longing to try that thing you’ve had on your sexual bucket list for years. Be open and honest about what you like and don’t like – its the only way you’ll get what you want. Never be afraid of discussing sex with your partner. As a nation we are shockingly bad at discussing sex in any capacity. Publications which encourage [or fail to challenge] such regressive approaches to sex aren’t worth paying attention to. We are squeamish enough without their input.

(Aside: What constitutes ‘a bit different’? And why are the police getting involved?)

11. Massage butters, paint-yourself-with-chocolate kits and other ‘fun sex play’ items. As a wise woman once said, “Sex is quite good. Just have sex.”

‘Quite good’ never really did it for me – when was the last time you had a spring in your step from ‘quite good’? Sex shops continue to thrive on the peddling of these products – somebody must be buying them. Playing with extra apparatus might be something you enjoy – or something you wouldn’t consider. It does not make sex better, dirtier or worse. It might make your experience of sex more satisfying – that’s your opinion. The people who use them are not to be frowned upon, just as those who are satisfied without them are not to be pitied.

That ‘wise woman’ sounds a bit world weary to me.

14. Why anyone ever thinks threesomes are a good idea. Other than for annihilating the self-esteem of at least one participant – probably all three.

If you’re self-esteem (sexual or otherwise) is wrapped up in your sexual performance – or others’ perception of your sexual performance – don’t sleep with anyone. Do yourself a favour. If you’re seeking validation from sex, don’t do it. Don’t even take your clothes off. Put that fragile ego in a cab and go home.

Group sex can be fun if you want it. It won’t damage your sense of self any more than anything else in the world. Painting group sex as emotionally damaging isn’t fair. Sex between three, four or five people can be as exciting or horrifying as sex between two people – depending on who is having the sex.

By saying nobody has ever enjoyed group sex because it ‘annihilated’ their self esteem (annihilated, really?!) what are you telling anyone who has ever had a positive experience? Let me tell you, they exist. It’s not a difficult concept.

17. How someone who you’ve just revealed your most intimate self to can turn around and say, “Have you got any toys or anything?” What do you think this is, a department store?

This point sounds like being asked that question is insulting. The last time I checked, ‘toys’ didn’t mean Lego bricks or Beanie Babies. If someone asks you about toys, they’re not looking for an alternative to your ‘most intimate self’ (you mean vagina here, right?! Say vagina) they’re asking if there’s something you have which they could use to give you pleasure. Using toys isn’t a cop out or an insult. Your partner is asking if there is anything you own, which you have selected for yourself, because you enjoy how it makes you feel. It’s considerate. If anyone you climb into bed with asks you that, consider yourself lucky. They want to get you off the way you want. They want to make sex good for you. Same applies for asking how you want to be touched – it’s not lazy, they want to know how your body works.

Showing someone your body is not a gauntlet to run through, they want to see your bare skin. And when you do expose yourself to a deserving individual, if they ask to borrow your apparatus, do not feel like you have failed as a human. Someone asking to engage with your body on any level is hot, because they find you hot. Embrace that feeling and let them into your bedside drawers! Using toys is not a rejection or a sign of failure. Toys are for fun. They give pleasure – isn’t that the point of sex? Giving/receiving pleasure [however you chose to give/receive it] is not shameful. Ever.

Whatever you want to do in bed is acceptable, healthy and downright sexy. This article assumes the “we” and picks out examples of kinks it suggests that these are rare, wrong or incomprehensible. They’re not. If Ms Groskop had entitled the piece “18 Things I Will Never Understand About Sex”, I would not take offence. She is entitled to her personal opinion and she’s entitled to share that opinion with anyone she pleases. But by claiming a collective opinion she alienates anyone who might enjoy anything she (not we) can’t understand.

That is a big portion of readers.

Articles like this perpetuate the guilt of sexual exploration, the shame of owning your sexuality and fear of communicating that sexuality to others. Sexual suppression under any circumstances – especially from a magazine with such a large readership – is truly despicable.

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The Truth About Lesbian Bed Death.

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Despite continuous pleas from decent society, a small portion of females insist on conducting sexual relations with each other. This sub-section of the population, commonly known as ‘lesbians’, are subject to very real danger in this life-style choice.

Lesbian Bed Death claims thousands of lives each year. Little is known about this phenomenon, which makes it hard to prevent. Reformed ‘lesbian’ Geneveive* shares her story:

“When I realised I was attracted to ladies, I thought having sex with them would be fun. These urges did scare me but I was still naïve and thought that these feelings were acceptable on some level. I met other ‘lesbians’ and felt accepted into their group. I did not know how dangerous things would get.”

While the socialising of women has become acceptable in modern society, sexual relations between women are widely regarded as immoral, pointless and even unsafe. This can be attributed to the practice involved. ‘Lesbians’ have developed a lethal method of taking turns during sex. This allows the receiver to fully concentrate on achieving the rare state of arousal known as orgasm, while the giver focuses all energy to making up for the distinct lack of cock.

However it is that stiff masculine element which makes a sex both safe and worth doing in the first place. The male ejaculation is natures way of halting sexual relations. Male libido diminishes moments after orgasm and cannot be reclaimed until a decent amount of time has elapsed. During this time, the male may become sleepy; therefore sex must finish with the male orgasm as it cannot continue after.

Scientists have concluded that without a man, it is impossible to tell when sex is complete. In the absence of semen, ‘lesbian sexual activity’ can continue indefinitely. ‘Lesbians’ can sex for hours, days, even months without hiatus. This can have grave consequences.

“When you start going out with another ‘lesbian’ nobody warns you of the dangers. One night my then-girlfriend asked me to have sex with her. Ignorant of the consequences, I was excited to try sex with another woman. We continued through the night, by morning we were still sexing without any signs of stopping. What followed were the most exhausting three days of my life, I thought it would never end. Thankfully my girlfriend was due to have her house rewired on the fourth day. The electrician came to our aid [literally] by ejaculating on our faces. It meant we could finally stop having sex. I was shaken by what had just happened. I broke up with my girlfriend before I even washed my face.”

Genevieve experienced a lucky escape. This episode was the wake up call she needed. She donated her dungarees to her local Oxfam and cancelled her subscription to Diva Magazine. She now lives with her boyfriend Paul*. She experiences regular ten minute sessions of heterosexual sex up to three times a week. “I finally feel normal,” she adds. Unfortunately not all ‘lesbians’ are granted such a happy ending.

“I knew a couple,” Genevieve explains, “they would go to the same carpentry class and visit kitten sanctuaries together. When they started holding hands, it seemed that they would soon progress to sexing. Sure enough, by the end of that month I noticed that they were missing from our local ukulele club meetings.”

The couple had disappeared from their daily lives. Trapped in an endless cycle of female sexual agency, the women had become slaves to their godless lusts. Once ‘lesbian sex’ begins, it can be very tough to stop due to the lack of male ejaculation, loss of libido or post-orgasm nap.

Once the couple’s loved ones realised what was happening, they tried to intervene, with little success. As the women continued to sex, their lives took a turn for the worse.

“They lost their jobs, a lot of people stopped talking to them. I visited weekly and attempted conversation from the other side of the door. It was hard, but I know they appreciated my efforts – I just wish I could have done more for them.”

They continued to sex each other, helped by weekly aid parcels of Duracell batteries and Lucozade from their friends and relatives. Sadly, after five months, the sex became too much for them and they died of starvation, dehydration and RSI.

“At times they didn’t even enjoy it. They longed for the moment a man would arrive and ejaculate on their faces and end their suffering. Sadly that moment, like the man they hoped for, never came.

“I still miss my friends. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of them. It is little consolation that they died experiencing some kind of pleasure, though I know by the end they had regretted ever starting the sex. It’s really all very sad.”

Genevieve has begun a charity for the rehabilitation of exhausted ‘lesbians’ like herself in the UK. Through proper education, Lesbian Bed Death can be dramatically reduced. All sexual contact between women is prohibited and safe practices between ‘lesbians’, such as holding hands and cuddling, are encouraged.

“I appreciate women might find other women attractive – its a symptom of our modern society. If they must act on these impulses, sexing is not the answer. It is always best to just have sex with men.”

Genevieve’s charity has received support from upstanding members of the ‘lesbian’ community. To her relief, this issue is slowly being recognised.

“I just want to make sure nobody has to endure what my friends went through. Exhaustion through having endless sex with a woman is no way to go.”

Genevieve’s book on Lesbian Bed Death, ‘The Lady Killer’ is available on Amazon.

*Names changed to protect identities.